


I Tried To Forgive You

by deadeyedwritergirl



Series: Love Me Again [3]
Category: Liam Payne (Musician), One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Minor Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, original Payne Child(ren) - Freeform, singer!liam, teacher!Zayn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-22 17:52:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12487452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadeyedwritergirl/pseuds/deadeyedwritergirl
Summary: Hello!!! Right, so some people asked for a follow-up and here it is!!!So before you get started you should know that I stole ‘Golden’ by Zayn and gave it to Leems for purposes of the fic :) and I may or may not have (definitely did) made some minor but obvious changes to lyrics just to make them better suit the fic.Sorry. :'D.The usual disclaimers apply.Okay, read on and enjoy.





	I Tried To Forgive You

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!!! Right, so some people asked for a follow-up and here it is!!! 
> 
> So before you get started you should know that I stole ‘Golden’ by Zayn and gave it to Leems for purposes of the fic :) and I may or may not have (definitely did) made some minor but obvious changes to lyrics just to make them better suit the fic.
> 
> Sorry. :'D. 
> 
> The usual disclaimers apply.
> 
> Okay, read on and enjoy.

Zayn was aware that he and Louis still weren't talking but he couldn't sit back and pretend his best friend didn't just get engaged. He had to say something. He had to let him know that he was thrilled for him, even if he wasn't sure if Louis cared to hear it. That's why he was sat on the back patio, phone pressed to his ear as the line rang.

"Hello?" came the answer and Zayn almost forgot how to use words to reply because although he had hoped Louis would answer, he hadn’t expected him to.

"Uh, h-hi Lou, it's Zayn?" he said into the phone, just to be sure that Louis knew who he had answered to.

There was a nervous cough on the other side of the line before Louis replied.

"Yeah, I know mate. Caller ID."

Mate. And that's all it took for Zayn to start hoping. Trivial as it was and staple as the word was in Louis’ vocabulary, Zayn still hoped it meant something.

"Oh, right,” he said, shaking his head at his own silliness.

“Uh...I just wanted to call and congratulate you on getting engaged and stuff,” he continued, trying to fill the silence that was beginning to stretch too long.

“I'm happy for you."

There was an even longer silence on the line after his words. Zayn would have thought Louis had hung up on him if it hadn’t been for the light breaths he could still hear.

"Thanks," Louis replied finally.

There was more silence after as Zayn wondered if he was allowed to say more or if he had already exceeded the amount of contact he was allowed despite that it had been over half a year since they had spoken.

"Okay, well I just wanted to say that I guess. Take care of yourself Tommo," Zayn said, deciding that maybe pushing his luck wasn’t a good idea. The fact that Louis had answered would have to be enough for now. It was more than he had hoped for and a start, at least.

He was about to hang up when he, heard Louis sigh out a "Zayn, wait."

 "Yeah?" he answered quickly and he almost cringed at the hope bleeding through the phone from his lips.

"Do you maybe wanna meet up for a cuppa at that coffee shop near our old flat?" he asked and Zayn couldn't help the smile that broke across his face as he nodded. He could swear his heart was doing excited little jigs in his chest, or maybe that was that fool's hope running away with it again.

He wanted to scream out a ‘ _Fucking yes mate! I've missed you so much Tommo!’_ But how desperate would that sound? So he settled for a cool and unaffected, "Yeah, sounds all right."

To which Louis replied, "I'll text you a time," before hanging up.

***

He was still sitting outside, contemplating what the invitation Louis had extended him meant when his phone began ringing. He clicked the answer button and Liam's smiling face lit up the screen and Zayn's heart did that thing where it fluttered in his chest and warmed him all over like summer sun.

"Hey, babe!"

"Hi Li," Zayn smiled back, albeit a little tightly. "Tried calling you earlier," he didn't want it to sound like an accusation because he didn’t want to argue with Liam. Not after the phone call with Louis had left him in a better mood. He had been doing so well over the past few weeks or so.

It had been a while since he had felt insecure about his relationship with Liam. He had even been convinced that maybe he had finally gotten over his boyfriend’s infidelity, but here he was being set off by a few missed calls and he couldn't even help it.

He couldn't help how his heart had dropped to his toes earlier that afternoon when he had called and Liam's phone had gone straight to voicemail. He couldn’t help how past images of Liam and Danielle pressed up against a hotel door popped up in his head and he had to smoke far too many cigarettes to push those thoughts aside.

"I know love. Sorry? The battery died while we were in the studio, I didn't notice till now."

"You can't do that to me, Liam," Zayn said. He hated how small and distrustful his voice sounded. He hated how it betrayed his insecurities and made him sound needy.

"I know Zayn. I know. I'm sorry, yeah? I promise though, nothing's happened, all right? I'd never do _that_ to you - _to us_ again," Liam's smile dimmed a little as he reassured him.

Zayn could tell that Liam was trying to not let him see how it hurt that he still didn't trust him, even this long into trying to work things out.

Zayn almost wanted to apologise too, for not being strong enough to quell his own fears and needing Liam to do it for him, but it caught in his throat and he swallowed it down quickly like a bitter pill he did not want to taste.

"I called Louis," he said instead, changing the subject to something safe so that he wouldn’t say what was really on his mind like how he wanted Liam to come home now because he’d said he could handle the two-week separation when they’d discussed it, but now that he was away the fears and the doubts wouldn’t leave him in peace.

He hated being so needy. He needed to grow up and learn to trust Liam when he was away. The travelling was a part of Liam’s job and Zayn had a job of his own as a teacher now, so he couldn’t pack up and follow him around the world to keep an eye on him.

He needed to learn to be without Liam.

Liam's features went soft as his forehead creased in concerned interest.

“You did?” he asked

"Wanted to congratulate him on the engagement, you know?" Zayn explained.

Liam nodded.

He'd known about Harry's plans to propose, regrettably, from the moment his best mate had started thinking about it. He'd called Liam up at 3 o'clock in the morning with an, “ _I think I want to marry him,”_ before Liam had even gotten the word hello out of his mouth.

“How’d that go then?” he asked, voice soft and coaxing.

“Good, yeah? Like he answered and I was surprised at first but then I said what I wanted to say and it wasn’t so bad,” Zayn told him. “He wants to meet up.”

“Oh?” Liam asked, genuinely surprised by the news. “That’s good then?” he asked, “Means he’s willing to talk, maybe sort things out?”

“Yeah, I hope so,” Zayn replied, trying not to get his hopes up too high because he knew Louis all too well. The two of them had lived together for almost two years before Harry and Liam came into their lives, so he knew how stubborn and unpredictable the blue-eyed menace could be.

“You will babe. He can’t be mad forever now can he?” It was just then that another voice cut through, the thick Irish accent instantly recognisable to Zayn.

“Leemo! We need ya back in here to record that hook again mate.”

“Be right in Nialler,” Liam replied, before looking at Zayn again. 

Zayn nodded, “Tell Nialler I said hello.”

He heard a muffled shout from out of shot that sounded a lot like, _“What’s the craic, Zayner?”_

“He says hi,” Liam said rolling his eyes fondly in the direction of Niall’s voice.

 Zayn chuckled lightly.

“Hey, before I go, what do you say you and I do something this weekend. When I get back? Just you and me?”

Zayn grimaced.

“Uh, I can’t Li. I promised Wali I'd take her shopping for a graduation outfit, so I’m heading home for the weekend.”

It was a feeble excuse and Zayn knew it. They were still months away from Wali’s graduation and that wasn’t even the real reason why he was heading home.

He wanted to tell Liam. He wasn’t even sure why he’d never told him before, maybe it was because the previous year the date had been easier to forget because he’d had Liam and Taylor to fill his time and the space that had never really gone away since his dad had passed.

That year though, the date had loomed over him for most of that week so far and the hole felt wider and more painful.

“I could come?” Liam offered, “We could make a weekend of it. I haven't seen Trish and the girls in a while.”

Zayn’s eyes seemed to close off as Liam spoke. A sign, Liam had learned over the last half year, that Zayn didn’t like something but just wouldn’t say it.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Liam. We can do something with Taz when I get back though.”

This time he left no room for negotiation. He just didn’t want Liam there. Which was another thing that had developed since their reunion.

They barely spent time together, just the two of them. Zayn always found an excuse to be out of the house whenever Taylor was with Sophia or he would ‘forget’ to tell Liam how he’d invited Niall or Harry (sometimes both) over and it was starting to feel like he just didn’t want to be alone with him.

Liam wasn’t sure he remembered the last time they had sat down and talked, just the two of them. He wasn’t even sure he knew Zayn anymore. But, he couldn’t well question him about his distant behaviour, he had no right to, not when it was his fault.

“Oh, um sure. Yeah,” Liam said, trying not to sound as disappointed as he felt.

“I’ve got to go Z, we’ll talk later though, yeah?”

Zayn nodded, trying not to feel guilty for lying to his boyfriend. He told himself he had to. That he was trying to force himself to cope with things without Liam, even hard things like the anniversary of his dad’s death because Liam wouldn’t always be there.

“Okay. Love you,” he said.

He watched as Zayn moved to end the call trying not to feel bitter about his boyfriend not saying the words back.

He never did anymore.

**

 

After hanging up with Zayn, Liam took a moment to just breathe.

He’d known when he saw the multiple missed calls from his boyfriend that he’d been careless. He should’ve kept an eye on his phone and made sure that it was on so that he was available when he called.

He hated that right at that moment Zayn was in their home probably making himself sick with doubts and guilt. He never wanted to be the cause of Zayn’s heartache ever again, and he’d done everything he could to disabuse him of his doubts or suspicions but lately, he could tell that none of it was enough.

He could feel the muscles in his shoulder tighten with tension. To ease his stress he pulled out a pack of Marlboro Reds from his jacket pocket and lit one.

He wasn’t really a smoker. It was a habit he picked up shortly after he and Zayn started dating.

When he was away he’d find himself missing Zayn and he’d realised that the thing he missed the most, that made him feel at home once he’d returned, was Zayn’s scent.

His boyfriend always smelled good, the scent of his cologne and shower gel mingling together to make a spicy cinnamon scent. But just underneath that delicious smell would be a faint whiff of smoke adding to the uniquely Zayn smell that he found irresistible.

At first, he wouldn’t smoke the cigarette, he’d just light it and let it burn itself out, like incense. But in the last few months, he’d taken to smoking them. Zayn would always say that it helped him calm down when he was stressed and Liam had tried it too because he was under a lot of stress.

He didn’t smoke a lot, just one or two when he was under strain (but never around Taylor), and he’d found that it worked to ease his mind.

He took a slow drag of nicotine and looked out over the cityscape, watching the lights of the various buildings twinkle against the dusk.

He thought back to a time when he and Zayn would FaceTime for hours while he was away, laughing at silly jokes and sharing their thoughts with each other,  only hanging up when work intervened or one of them fell asleep.

He missed that. He especially missed the talking bit because lately, he could feel how distant Zayn had become. He never shared his stories if he’d had a bad day at work anymore instead, he’d shrug and though Liam wanted to listen and be there for him, he felt he didn’t want to push. So he’d let the rift between them be against his better judgement.

He took one last drag of his half-smoked cigarette before stubbing it out on the balcony and heading back inside.

**

Inside, Niall was sitting at the mixing board with Kevin, one of the guys from the group of producers they were working with.

“About time! I was about to send out a search party!” Niall joked.

“How is the boyfriend?” Kevin asked, “You two having  a phone quickie, is that why you  took so long out there?”

“Young love, eh. Sickening, that is.” Chase teased from the couch in the corner of the room.

Liam cleared his throat uncomfortably and gave a non-committal shrug in response.

This only caused Niall’s face to slip slightly, making a face Liam knew meant that he was concerned.

He gestured to the door with his eyes, silently asking Liam if he wanted to go back outside and talk.

Liam shook his head slightly, giving a forced smile.

“Right! You ready to do this man?” Kevin asked, clearly having missed that something was off.

“Yeah, let’s do it,” Liam affirmed, making his way back into the booth.

Inside, he put his headset on and waited for the music to start. Once it did he waited for his cue and started to sing.

 

 

>  
> 
> **“It goes and it’s golden,**
> 
> **Like sands of time**
> 
> **_I hope and I hope we’ll still be fine_ **
> 
> **_I know that it’s dark,_ **
> 
> **_Look through the night and see we’re meant to be”_ **

 

But he couldn’t finish the words of the hook he’d scribbled down quickly in his notebook around a month into his reunion with Zayn before he was getting choked up.

He just couldn’t get the words out through the lump that kept catching them.

His eyes started to burn from the stress, frustration and hurt.

He turned away from the mic. Wiping at his eyes, hoping that the crew behind the glass would think the gesture was from exhaustion and not notice that he was wiping away tears.

“Sorry,” he said after he’d cleared his throat and turned back to face the control room, “can we run that again?”

Niall and Kevin nodded and the music started again.

They ran the cut a few more times because Liam kept choking on the words, the same ones, over and over again.

**_“we’re meant to be”_ **

Around the sixth or seventh take, he finally got it right and everyone in the studio just stared at him in awed silence when he joined them in the control room.

“That was amazing,” James said.

“It took a while but that last take was fucking brilliant!” Kevin added.

Liam didn’t say anything. He was still too heavy from the pent-up emotion.

For that last take, he’d decided that he needed to find a way to channel everything he was feeling into his voice because he could control that. He could control how and when that came out and how it sounded, unlike the tears, apparently he couldn’t control those. So he’d concentrated on singing rather than thinking too much. Judging by the reaction in the room, he’d nailed it.

Everyone was smiling and clapping him on the back, everyone except Niall who was watching him carefully, the same concerned expression on his face as before Liam had gone into the booth.

“All right, great work everyone. I think we should call it a night. Same time tomorrow?” Niall announced, eyes barely leaving Liam for a second to scan the room.

There was some cheering from the other engineers as everyone started gathering their things to leave.

Niall waited until they were at their hotel to bring up a conversation Liam had known was coming and had been dreading.

“Right, are you ready to talk to me about it now?” Niall asked as he sat on the couch of Liam’s hotel room, a beer in hand.

“About what, Ni?” Liam knew what he was asking about. Niall was sometimes too perceptive for Liam’s liking.

“The song, Liam. It’s beautiful mate, really is. But, _‘I know that it’s dark, look through the night’_ those aren’t the words of a man who’s happily in love. Are you and Zayn okay?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he said, taking a sip of his drink, a whiskey that burned its way down his throat and briefly distracted him from the pain elsewhere.

“I saw you crying in there. Those other idiots might not have noticed, but I’m your best mate. I saw and I’d hate to think that you’re going through summat alone.”

Liam let out a long and exhausted sigh.

“I think I’m losing him, Niall. I can fucking feel it right here,” he said, pointing to the left side of his chest.

“I can’t do it again. I know I did this and that I should man up, but I can’t. I can’t lose him again,” Liam continued into the silence.

“Have you talked to him about it?” Niall asked, regarding Liam with his blue gaze full of seriousness, his usual mirth nowhere in sight.

“I can’t, can I? He can’t spend a second alone with me. Never talks to me about anything anymore either and I’m just too scared to ask because what if I’m right and I am losing him?”

It was quiet for a moment. Niall was taking his time thinking of what to say because he could tell how much Liam was struggling and whatever he said next could have a bearing on how he responded to the tough time in his relationship.

“Don’t know what to tell you to make this all better for you, mate,” his best friend admitted.

“I just think it must be hard for _both_ of you. But you can’t rush healing, Payno. You just need to be patient.”

“How? I already feel like I’m out of time with him.”

“As long as you’re still together, you have time.”

Liam appreciated that Niall wanted to help but he was already frustrated with the whole situation and although he was sure his friend’s words were profound in some way, in his frustration he just couldn’t figure out their meaning and it only frustrated him more.

“Mate, I appreciate your advice but I think I need an early kip tonight,” he said.

Niall nodded understandingly, not at all offended by being unceremoniously kicked out of Liam’s room.

“S’all right. See you tomorrow?” he asked, as he stood, placing his empty beer bottle on the small coffee table.

Liam nodded.

With one last comforting pat on the back, Niall made his way to the door, stopping just before he opened it.

“You know Payno, you can’t fix your relationship and get Zayn to forgive you if you don’t forgive yourself first.”

He let his words sink in before closing with a “Night, mate,” leaving Liam in a big and empty hotel room with his muddled thoughts and mangled heart for company.

 

**

 

Zayn was nervous as he sat at the coffee shop playing with the rings on his fingers. Louis was late. He knew Louis, knew that he was always late to everything but he still couldn't help but think that maybe he wasn't coming. Maybe in the two days that it had taken him to text Zayn a time, he had thought better of it and changed his mind.

He was still contemplating this when Louis finally did show.

His best mate swept into the old coffee shop like the tornado of chaos he was, with a _“whoops, careful there love,”_ to a teenager who had walked right into him, her attention all on the phone in her hands. He went over to the counter and got himself a drink before he’d rushed over once he’d spotted Zayn.

“Hey!” he said pulling up a chair. He sounded cheerful and friendly, but there was a guarded look in his eyes.

“Hi,” Zayn replied when he could finally speak without saying something stupid like how relieved he was that Louis had decided to come after all.

They sat there just staring at each other with these ridiculous smiles like they weren’t sure if they were still old friends or strangers now.

"You look good," Zayn said, breaking the awkward silence that had fallen between them.

Louis just chuckled, his eyes sparkling mischievously.

"Getting engaged to a ridiculous, curly-haired giant will do that to you," Louis said, an unmistakable fondness in his voice.

"You don't look so bad yourself," he observed, "You almost look happy."

His tone turned a little more serious.

Zayn knew that Louis was only teasing, but he’d nailed it with the “ _almost”._

Yeah, Zayn was happy, some days.

He and Liam still had their bad days where he would drive himself crazy while Liam was away for work wondering what the other man was up to and with whom. Liam could always tell when they spoke later and would do everything he could to reassure Zayn.

On those days, Zayn would beat himself up for getting worked up over nothing and Liam would be patient with him and tell him that it was okay and that he understood why Zayn felt the way he did. He would always say that he would do whatever it took to gain back his trust. And though Zayn would be left feeling guilty for having doubts, it was easier knowing that Liam was trying to be patient with him.

Aside from that, they were okay. Taylor still clung onto Zayn a little too tightly when he dropped her off at school, and Zayn would have to do a little reassuring of his own but slowly they were trying to work through it together, just the three of them.

"I am, I suppose," Zayn nodded, but the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes the way it should have but Louis seemed to miss that detail.

"Good," Louis said nodding while faint smile ghosted over his lips. "Good. If you’re happy then that’s good.”

There was another awkward silence as neither of them said anything. Louis shifted in his seat before speaking again.

"So I'm getting married in a month or two..."

Small talk. Zayn could do small talk. Zayn was never so delighted or willing to take part in a conversation starter as he was now.

" 's a bit quick innit?" he asked a little concerned at the rapid speed everything seemed to be moving all of a sudden.

"Harry wants to do it as quick as possible. Says waiting too long makes it seem like you're not sure and he's sure he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. His words."

Louis rolled his eyes at the last bit, but the slight blush told Zayn that he probably agreed with his fiancé. And Zayn couldn't help but be fond. Not much caused his usually brash and straightforward friend to blush, but Harry Styles did.

Suddenly, his reservations were gone.

"He's a good bloke, and I know you two are happy together," he concluded, and he genuinely meant it.

Not many people could handle sassy, feisty and loud Louis on a daily basis, but Harry seemed to do more than just handle him, he seemed to really love all the sides to him that would normally be too much for most people.

“Have Jay and Lottie taken over the planning yet?”

Louis laughed.

“Surprisingly, not. I think they’re still trying to wrap their heads around me getting married at all.”

Zayn laughed because yeah, he could relate.

“Actually, Harry’s doing the planning and he sort of gave me a list of things to do but you know I’m useless at organising stuff.”

“That’s what a best man is for, mate. Just pass the list off to him,” Zayn replied, trying to not let the bitterness creep into his tone

"Thing is I still need me one of those," Louis said hesitantly as though he expected Zayn to answer a unasked question.

He supposed that Louis was trying to ask him for suggestions. Of course, his instinctual answer would have been himself but that would have been too forward considering they had only just started speaking again that day, after six agonising months of radio silence. And Louis had other friends, like Stan, who he had become fast friends with when they’d worked together on Ben’s play.

"Have you talked to Stan? Reckon he'd love the job," Zayn answered nonchalantly, trying not pay attention to the voice in his head telling him that he should be Louis' best man. He knew that it was too soon but that didn’t mean he wanted the honour any less.

"Reckon he would, yeah,” Louis said glancing momentarily at his now empty paper cup.

Zayn’s heart sank a little under the weight of his disappointment.

Louis’ azure gaze looked up at him again, meeting his in the most open look they’d shared that day.

“Or you could do it? Be my best man? I'd much rather have me best mate stand up for me," he said, just as nonchalantly as Zayn had made his suggestion. He gave a casual shrug of the shoulders for effect.

Zayn's mouth dropped open and he spluttered, trying to wrap his head around what Louis had just said.

"You’re serious?" he managed to get out. Louis nodded.

"Yeah, reckon I can trust you with the rings."

“Yeah, reckon you can. Sick bro,” Zayn smiled widely at his friend.

"What changed your mind?" Zayn asked, still shocked at this turn of things.

"Harry,” Louis replied.

“Well, sort of? Like - I get it. I get what it's like to love someone that much.”

Zayn felt a six-month-old knot attempt to untie itself in his heart. He had needed someone to say that. He had needed someone to just say, “ _I understand,”_ instead of questioning and criticising him for his decision. 

“I don't think I'd be able to walk away from Curly that easily too. I'd probably castrate him if he dared cheat, mind,” he continued.

Zayn knew that Louis meant no harm with the statement, that he probably didn’t think twice before bringing up cheating because six months later he was supposed to be over it, right? The reminder shouldn’t have still left him a little bit breathless.

But it did.  

It was just a little catch in his lungs, a missed heartbeat and a something that still burned under his skin every time he remembered.

 “But I guess I understand now that walking away is not as easy as I made it out to be," Louis concluded, bringing him out of his sensory trance.

Zayn smiled at him, letting his best mate’s happy glow thaw his creeping doubts.

They let the silence linger a moment, content to just be in each other’s confidence again.

“Going back isn’t easy either if I’m honest,” Zayn admitted finally. It was quiet though because part of him hoped Louis wouldn’t hear. He felt like he was betraying Liam and their little family, letting them down somehow by admitting this out loud.

He hadn’t lied before. He had been happier being back with Liam and Taylor. But as much as Liam tried to make them work something just wouldn’t let him settle and he had no idea why.

Louis’ eyes softened and he regarded Zayn with a look of careful concern.

“Is everything not okay then?” he asked reaching out over the small table to lay a gentle hand on Zayn’s shoulder.

“No – I mean yeah. It’s fine. We’re okay, right. But like sometimes we’re not because remembering still bothers me even though it’s been ages since it happened,” he confessed.

Louis nodded contemplatively before starting to speak.

“I still think – and I’m not having a go here – but I think maybe you went back to him too soon.”

Zayn ran a frustrated hand through his hair, tugging on it a little too firmly.

“I just think you didn’t give yourself enough time to deal with it, alone. Look, I know that’s not what you wanted to hear but as your best mate it’s my duty to look out for you and I know the last six months I’ve been doing everything but that. But I’m here now.”

Zayn sighed. He wasn’t mad at Louis for saying what he did. In fact, part of him already knew that he was right.

He had rushed right back to Liam’s arms without really considering how that would affect his healing process.

Zayn had always been tentative with people. It took coaxing and time for him to open himself up to anyone and that was probably because he was so sensitive.

He would never admit it, but he hurt quite easily because he never loved in halves. He gave everything to his relationships and sometimes that was a high-risk gamble. He hadn’t expected Liam to be that, but as it turned out he was the highest gamble yet and Zayn had lost everything to him.

Going back to him had felt like reclaiming the things he had lost. What he hadn’t accounted for was the result that those things were no longer enough. They didn’t quiet the screams of inadequacy and distrust in his head.

Zayn just nodded his head, not wanting to talk any more about it. He felt that he had already brought down the mood of their meet up when it was supposed to be a happy reconciliation and celebration. So he changed the subject.

“So, what’s first on my best man duties list?” he asked, putting on the widest smile he could muster.

This was Louis’ time and Zayn would be damned if he was going to let his issues get in the way.

 

***

 

The day after Liam had arrived back from his two-week recording trip abroad to an empty house, he found himself sitting at Harry’s kitchen island, sipping a smoothie made from a mixture of organic ingredients. Judging from the colour he guessed that one of them had to have been kale, Harry’s current food-fad.

Harry had invited Liam and Niall over for breakfast under the guise of a business meeting. He had sworn that he just wanted an update on Liam’s next album so he could roughly estimate dates with regards to promotion and release etcetera. But Liam knew that with the three of them, business would turn into wedding planning talk.

That was all that Harry could talk about lately. Liam didn’t blame him though. Getting married was a big step, especially at their ages but when you’d found the right person, there was no sense in waiting, was there? The combination of realising he’d found the love of his life and the knowledge that in only a few short weeks they would pledge their lives to one another had to be euphoric.

It had to be the kind of high you would want to ride right to death’s door if you had to. Liam craved that feeling. He craved the stability and peace of mind that had to come with marriage vows. There had to be some security that came with metal bands wrapped around fingers with a promise to stay _forever_.

Liam had thought about it a lot since he had found out that Harry was going to propose to Louis and had thought that maybe he wanted that too.

“Has being engaged changed anything, with you and Lou, I mean?” Liam asked. “It’s just, you seem happier and it’s all you talk about. Must be good?”

Harry eyed Liam as he pulled ingredients for breakfast from the fridge.

“Kind of, but not really?” he started in his slow, contemplative drawl. “We’re still the same Harry and Louis as before, just now we’re making it permanent. No more outs or exit strategies. We have to make it work now. AND...” here Harry met Liam’s stare with a cheeky grin, “Fiancé sex is so much better than boyfriend sex.”

Liam chuckled fondly at how ridiculous his friend was. He loved Harry and really liked seeing him so happy, but he wasn’t sure he’d wanted to hear that particular detail from him.

“Why do you ask?” Harry asked, a little more serious this time.

Liam took a moment to think about it before answering.

“It’s just, well I’ve been thinking about it and I think I’d like to make things more _permanent_ with Zayn too.”

Harry stopped his chopping up of fruit and looked at Liam, smile wide and eyes sparkling like emeralds.

“That’s wonderful!” he exclaimed, he looked like he was going to gush some more when there was a knock at the door.

“I’ll get it,” Liam offered, getting up from his seat if only to get a moment to cool the heat pooling in his cheeks from his confession.

He pulled the door open to find a bright-eyed Niall on the other side, smiling widely.

“Payno! I missed you!” he said pulling him in for a bear hug.

“Niall, I saw you just last night at the airport,” Liam deadpanned but still returned the hug with as much enthusiasm as was given.

“I know. But after being together 24/7 for two weeks mate, I was having separation anxiety,” Niall said as they made their way through to the kitchen.

Liam chuckled as he followed him in.

 “What are you feeding me Styles? I’m starving mate,” Niall said pulling Harry into a tight squeeze. “Better not be a fruit salad or some other healthy shite. After two weeks of being away, I deserve a good welcome back fry up.”

“You’re gonna thank me for that _healthy shite_ when you’re 80 and haven’t died from a heart attack,” Harry replied, placing a glass of green sludge in front of Niall who eyed it sceptically.

Niall sniffed at the glass, took a sip and then pushed the glass as far away from himself as he could without pushing it over the edge of the island and onto the floor.

“Right, what’d I miss?” Niall asked.

“You were right on time actually, Nialler,” Harry said conspiratorially, “Li was just telling me how he’s going to propose to Zayn.”

Liam gaped at Harry, but only playfully.

“I didn’t say I was going to do it, you doughnut. I only said I was thinking about it,” Liam clarified for Niall.

“Well, if you do it quickly, we can have a double wedding. How romantic would that be? You marrying Lou’s best friend and me marrying Zayn’s. We would share an anniversary! Wouldn’t that be lovely?”

Harry seemed to be enjoying the idea so much that Liam almost got swept up in it too, until Niall finally spoke up, his tone and words sobering.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea, Payno?” the words were posed as a question but the look on Niall’s face said it was more than that.

“What, a double wedding? Definitely not,” he chuckled.

“Proposing to Zayn,” Niall clarified, sobering Liam’s humour right up.

“Why wouldn’t it be?” he asked, a bit offended by Niall’s questioning.

“Because of what you told me last week.”

“That has nothing to do with this.”

“Are you sure? Because sounds to me like you’re trying to lock him down so he can’t leave you.”

His sparkling blue eyes seemed to have dimmed a little and his lips were turned down into a slight frown.

Liam felt uncomfortable with Niall’s remarks because they niggled at something in the back of his mind, at a minor thought he had locked away there.

He and Zayn were still trying to find their feet again but they just weren’t getting on steady ground. He was never sure where Zayn’s head was from day to day and most days he was terrified that he’d wake up and Zayn would have packed his bags and left again.

But that didn’t have anything to do with why he was considering proposing.

The way Niall was looking at him, and his lack of enthusiasm still made him feel guilty though.

Maybe Niall did have a bit of a point though. Maybe Liam did crave the assurance that Zayn couldn’t just up and leave him if they were married.

“It was just a thought mate, nothing solid or planned,” he replied defensively.

His tone was sharp but he knew that it would shut the conversation down before any more of his insecurities were exposed.

Liam knew that Niall was only looking out for him, he did. He just resented that it appeared as though one of his best mates didn’t support him on this.

He refused to acknowledge whether or not Niall had a valid argument for his reluctance to the idea. If he were being rational he would take on what his friend was saying and figure out if there was any truth to it, but for an unknown reason his hackles had come up and he’d gone straight to defensive, not even wanting to hear him out.

By now Harry had halted all activity and was looking back and forth between them, probably trying to make sense of the suddenly tense atmosphere and conversation.

He opened his mouth to ask but Niall seemed to have gotten the message that Liam was done with the conversation, it would have been difficult not to with the amount of tension in the room. He signalled to Harry that they would talk later effectively stopping him from asking the question that was on his lips.

Niall was never one to dwell too long in tension, especially when he could tell that Liam was not receptive to any advice at that moment. So he changed the subject.

“Where’s Tommo? Seems extra quiet around here today,” Niall asked.

Liam had wondered the same thing but had gotten distracted with their conversation before, that he had forgotten to ask.

“Bradford with Zayn,” Harry answered casually as if it were no big deal, “it’s the anniversary of Zayn’s dad’s death and he asked Lou to go with him and be with the family  for the day and stuff.”

Except it was a big deal because Liam had had no idea. More than that, Zayn had not only turned Liam’s offer to accompany him home down, but he’d blatantly lied to him about his reasons for going.

“It’s probably still hard for him around this time, huh?” Liam almost missed the question that was directed at him by Harry.

“I wouldn’t know, would I? I didn’t even know that that was today.” Liam bit out.

He was hurt. There was no better, or more eloquent way to explain the aching in his chest because Zayn had lied to him to keep him away at a time when he really should have been by his side.

“You didn’t know?” Harry asked, guilt clouding his features, “I thought you knew.”

“I wouldn’t be here if I did, would I?”

Niall reached out a hand to comfort Liam. There was a look in his eyes that was disconcertingly knowing and not as surprised as Harry seemed to be.

Liam shook him off. Not wanting to think too much about whatever that look on his friend’s face meant.

His anger was misplaced, he knew that. Niall was not to blame for Zayn lying to him, but his reaction to a possible engagement earlier only made Liam feel worse after this revelation.

“I have to go. There’s uh...” he didn’t finish before he was grabbing his keys and out the door, leaving Harry and Niall staring worriedly after him.

 

**

 

When Liam had left Harry’s, he’d not had a destination in mind. He’d just needed time to process the information and figure out why the hell it felt like something irreparable had broken, or when it had come to this.

What was supposed to be a head-clearing drive landed him on the Maliks' doorstep four hours later, determined to be with Zayn even though it looked more and more like Zayn was avoiding it.

He rang the doorbell and waited nervously as he heard the knob turning before the door was pulled open.

“Liam?” Trisha said in surprise as she stood at the open door.

“Hi, Trish.”

She stood aside to let him in but didn’t greet him with the warm hug and smile she usually had in the past. This time her smile was a little pinched but still polite as she gave him a stiff pat on the shoulder as a welcome.

He supposed it was naive of him to expect any more from her when they hadn’t actually spoken or interacted since the cheating scandal and his and Zayn’s break-up and subsequent makeup.

He hadn’t had a chance to make things right with her and the girls, not for lack of trying though, every time he did, he got some kind of non-committal response from Zayn, and he hadn’t wanted to push so he’d just let it go.

“Zayn didn’t tell me you were coming. Come through, everyone’s in the lounge.”

He followed Trisha through the familiar house until they reached the lounge where Zayn was sitting on the couch, with Wali’s head on his lap and Louis and Safaa were spread out on the floor engrossed in something on a tablet.

“Sonshine, look who’s here,” Trisha said, tapping Zayn on the shoulder lightly.

Zayn had been laughing lightly at something, but when he looked up, his smile seemed to falter.

“Li,” he said, surprised but making no move to greet Liam properly, despite having been away from him for two weeks.

The room seemed to descend into a tense silence and Liam could tell that he didn’t really have that many fans in there, at least not anymore.

Trisha seemed to take pity on him because she broke the tension and everyone’s stares at Liam.

“We just had lunch Liam, can I make you up a plate?” she asked, her voice eerily chirpy as if she were trying to diffuse the tension in the room.

“That would be great, thanks.”

Trisha nodded and called on Wali to come help her.

Waliyah brushed past Liam, a sneer marring her features causing his heart to sink like a stone.

As soon as the two of them had left Liam made his way to sit beside Zayn on the couch. He’d still made no move to physically acknowledge Liam’s presence.

“Hey,” Liam tried to break the ice between them.

“What are you doing here, Li?” Zayn asked. It wasn’t rude, at least not outright. It was just a little terse, a little harsher than Liam had expected it to be.

“Hey Saf, how about you show me those games Zayn bought you?” came Louis’ voice from across the room as he stood up, pulling Safaa with him. The two of them quickly left the room but not before Safaa could give Liam a sneaky little wave and smile.

So there was at least one person in the house who didn’t hate him, he thought a little bitterly.

“Harry, he uh told me what this weekend was and that you’d brought Louis with you...”

Zayn didn’t say anything, just avoided Liam’s gaze.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I want to be here for you, especially for something like this Z.”

“I thought you’d be tired. I didn’t want to bother you,” Zayn started.

But the words felt flat, like a line that had been rehearsed many times over, but really didn’t mean anything. There was no feeling in them, and they lacked the sincerity they needed to be convincing.

“You lied,” Liam said, and sure maybe his tone was a bit accusatory and a lot hurt but Zayn hadn’t been truthful with him.

If there was any situation Zayn hated the most, it was feeling like he was being pushed into a corner. Obviously, Liam’s words had triggered his defences because they went straight up.

“Maybe I didn’t want you to come, Liam,” he said getting up from his place next to him.

“This day is bad enough, I just didn’t want to feel like I was mourning more than just my dad’s death, just for a weekend.”

Liam couldn’t figure out what Zayn meant, or why he sounded so resigned to whatever the tense energy between them was in that moment.

He wanted to ask Zayn to explain because what else could Zayn be grieving for and why did he say that like it was connected to Liam’s presence?

But before he could gather his bearings and find the words to phrase the question, Trisha was walking in with a tray in her hands and his previously pacing boyfriend was out the room with a weak, _“going to check on Lou and Saf.”_

The tray Trisha handed over was loaded with all sorts of dishes, all of them Zayn’s favourites. The food looked delicious, but even as he thanked her, Liam didn’t think he could eat. Not when his stomach felt like it was convulsing with a panic he could not quite pinpoint the origins of, or at least didn’t want to.

Seeing that it was just the two of them in the lounge now, Trisha took a seat in the spot Zayn had previously occupied.

“You know Liam, I appreciate everything you did to try to help me. But I can’t let my gratitude to you stop me from being Zayn’s mother,” she started, looking at Liam even though he wouldn’t meet her eyes.

“You hurt him. When you hurt him, you hurt me too. I didn’t think I’d ever forgive you for the state you put him in, but he seems to have and I won’t stand in the way of that. But if you ever hurt him again, Liam, I doubt I’ll be as forgiving.”

“I’m sorry, Trish.”

“Don’t tell me, Liam. Show me. Fix it. I want him happy and right now he’s not.”

She didn’t get the chance to say much more before keys could be heard from the door and yet another familiar voice was calling out.

“Can I get a little help here?” before the clattering of various items could be heard.

Liam started to get up, ready to put the tray down on the coffee table to go help. But, Trisha put a hand on his arm to stop him.

“I’ll go. You stay and eat. You’re as bone-thin as Zayn!”

She then got up and headed towards the front door where Doniya’s voice had come from.

Liam loved Trisha’s food and he really wanted to eat but he wasn’t sure he could. There was a lump caught in his throat and his stomach was twisting itself into knots.

He needed some air. Maybe when he came back he would feel better.

He got up and carefully placed the tray on the coffee table before heading for the front door too.

He’d initially intended to take a walk down the street but he felt so weighed down that he’d ended up just sitting in the driveway in his car.

He was sitting there just staring out the window, not really seeing anything. His head was elsewhere, with someone else. Someone he had driven four hours on a whim to be with. Someone who it now seemed didn’t really want him there.

The thought made his heart clench and flutter because he had no idea what to do now. He was fresh out of ways to fight for Zayn and their relationship. He’d done everything over the last half year to prove to Zayn that he was sorry, and he had thought that it was working. They were fine, happy even. Until recently, that is.

He was brought out of his reverie by a gentle knock on the passenger window. He looked over to see Doniya peering in with a tentative smile on her face.

He unlocked the doors and leaned over to open the passenger door for her.

“Hey, you! I was just coming to say hi when I saw you disappear out the door. Thought you were leaving or summat.”

Liam didn’t say anything. He tried to smile at her but he was sure that the expression looked more like a pained grimace than what was intended.

“Everything all right?” Liam opened his mouth, intending to tell Doniya he was fine, but instead, a choked sob broke through.

“I’m sorry,” he cried. He wasn’t sure what he was apologising for. He could have been apologising for crying in front of her, or for generally fucking his relationship up so badly that his boyfriend barely wanted to be around him anymore. Either reason worked.

“Aw, Li.  Come on, it’s all right,” she said, rubbing soothing circles on his back. Her voice was gentle and worried. “What’s brought this on then?”

He didn’t know either. It was just a build-up of frustration, he guessed. Things had seemed to be going so well between him and Zayn, but now he wasn’t so sure. Their relationship seemed to have taken about 10 steps back in the last couple of weeks and he had no idea how or when it had happened.

“I’m sorry. Don’t mind me, I’m just being silly. Must be the jetlag.”                     

Doniya only looked at him, the concern creasing her beautiful face.

“Or, something’s going on with you and my brother. He’s been right moody all weekend and now you’re here crying. What’s wrong?”

“I wish I knew,” Liam replied, “You know he didn’t tell me what this weekend meant? He just upped and left before I even came home. And when I showed up, he all but told me he didn’t want me here. I don’t even know what I did wrong.”

There was silence in the car as Liam did his best to pull himself together. The silence was broken a moment later when Doniya spoke up.

“You know, he does that sometimes.”

Liam turned to look at her, questions in his mind but none of them leaving his mouth.

“Zayn. When he’s been hurt he pulls away and shuts everyone out,” she explained.

“He did it when baba died too. He’d lock himself away for hours at a time and not talk to anyone. Turns out he was scared. Thought that if he got too close to us then one of us might die too. So to protect himself he started practising being without us.”

Zayn never talked much about when his father died, hence Liam hadn’t known the significance of that particular date until Harry had told him. He’d always gotten the sense that they had been close though, simply from how fondly Zayn would sometimes talk about him.

“Do you understand what I’m saying to you, Liam? If he’s shutting you out then there’s something on his mind, something that probably scares him. Talk to him. Figure it out together, if you can.”

Liam didn’t know what to make of that advice, but he’d definitely felt something weighing on Zayn on their last conversations while he was away. He wanted to ask her more about that time and how they had managed to bring Zayn back but before he could, Trisha was on the porch calling to Doniya to come inside and help her.

“You going to be okay?” she asked concerned. He supposed he still looked a right mess from his sudden fit of tears, but he’d be fine. He had to be. So he just nodded to her.

Doniya reached over the console and pulled him into a tight hug.

“It will fix, whatever it is. Just talk to him, yeah?” she said one last time before she was making her exit.

Liam stayed in the car a few minutes longer, just trying to get himself together and maybe figure out where to start mending whatever was broken between him and the man he loved.

 

***

It was late in the afternoon and Zayn and Louis were just on their way out when Zayn almost smacked right into Liam at the door.

Liam reached out to steady him with both hands at his hips.

“Sorry, babe. You okay?” Liam asked. But it all sounded hazy as Zayn registered that familiar cologne and the warmth of Liam’s hand on him. Man, it had only been a couple of weeks but he’d missed his touch and his scent and that proximity despite trying not to.

“Z?” Liam asked, concerned.

“Uh, yeah. Fine,” he replied, quickly stepping out of Liam’s reach.

“You two off somewhere?” Liam inquired, something closed off and sullen in his tone, as he gestured to the car keys in Zayn’s hand.

“Just driving Lou home,” he said pointing back at Louis who stood back just watching them.

“Oh. I could come? I was hoping we could talk? Maybe on the way back?”

“I’ll be back in a bit, Liam.”

Zayn wanted to say he didn’t mean for Liam to look like Zayn had just kicked him, but he didn’t know what he had or hadn’t meant. All he knew was that he really couldn’t do whatever it was that was happening between them that night. He hadn’t wanted to deal with it at all that weekend actually, but there Liam was and instead of facing him Zayn was running away and using Louis as an excuse.

He left the house without another word. Not bothering to check if Louis was behind him or not.

Once they were in the car and a safe distance away from Zayn’s home, Louis broached a subject he knew he was probably going to get shut down for.

“So...” he started, hesitating only because he didn’t want to make the weekend any worse than it probably was for his best mate, but he figured Zayn needed to talk so he powered on anyway, “what was that about, back there.”

Zayn fixed his eyes on the road, hoping that if he ignored the question, Louis would drop the topic.

 “I know you heard me.”

“What was what? I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Zayn shrugged, still with his eyes fixed on the road ahead.

“You and Liam. That awkward, cringe-worthy, awful display at the door...and when he first arrived, actually.”

“It’s not that bad.”

“All right, so you admit it’s something then?”

“Look, we’ve just grown apart okay. It happens.”

“Grown apart or you’re backpedalling?”

Now Zayn turned to look at Louis before looking back at the road, irritation flaring up inside.

“You don’t get to sit there and judge me, okay? Where have you been the last half year? You know nothing about what’s going on with us.”

The silence in the car was both stunned and guilty. Mostly Zayn’s guilt for saying what he did. He didn’t mean to and he fully understood why Louis had felt the need to walk away from their friendship for a while.

He just got defensive. The subject of Liam and their relationship got his back _way_ up, there had been too many people in the past (about a million worldwide) trying to tell him how to deal with _his_ boyfriend and it simultaneously annoyed him and made him feel inadequate.

“I didn’t mean that,” he said after a moment.

“Nope. I deserved that. But I’m here now, so talk to me.”

It was quiet for a long time, while the only sound in the car came from the radio.

_**...if it brings me to my knees, it’s a bad religion...**_

He hated how the words felt like they were specifically about him. How they seemed to echo how Zayn was feeling. He felt exposed.

“I should’ve listened to my instincts. I knew it would never work, but I still walked right into it, didn’t I? You warned me and like an idiot, I thought I could be enough...”

Zayn trailed off, letting the music say the rest for him.

_**...only bad religion could have me feeling the way I do...**_

“Zayn...” Louis started. But Zayn didn’t let him finish.

“I thought I could do it. I thought I could compete with the celebrities and the models and the _dancers_ , but I can’t, can I?”

The words came out embittered and self-loathing and it felt like someone had taken his heart in a tight fist.

He hated admitting it out loud but maybe it was time to finally face all of the feelings that he’d been suppressing.

“Zayn, you’re worth ten times _all_ of them put together, mate,” Louis reassured. He sounded so certain too, that Zayn almost bought it.

“Then why’d he do it, Louis? If I’m worth so much, why’d he do it?”

Louis wanted so much to be able to give Zayn an answer that would quash his insecurities and quiet his self-doubt, but he had no answer for him.

He never quite understood why Liam had cheated either. It made no sense to him why Liam would choose to wreck what he was sure was the best thing in his life, because that’s what Zayn was. He was the best, the best friend, the best brother and son, and the best person and it wasn’t fair that he was dealing with all this self-doubt because Liam had decided to self-sabotage.

When Louis didn’t answer, Zayn gave a derisive snort. He hadn’t expected an answer. He’d asked a few people this question, his mom, Doni, even Liam himself, but he’d never gotten a straight answer. No one could ever tell him _why_ and that was probably because they all knew the truth. That it was him.

He’d driven Liam away with being too aloof, too private, and too shy for his lifestyle in the spotlight and now he was going to do it again. He was going to drive him away with being too needy and clingy.

 

***

Liam had taken to helping Trisha prepare dinner to keep his mind off of the time and Zayn and that god awful encounter at the door.

A couple of hours later, the pots were simmering on the stove and the food almost ready, but Zayn was still not back. Liam was not surprised though.

It didn’t take a genius to figure out that Zayn’s whole objective at the moment seemed to be avoiding Liam at all costs, so dragging a two-hour-return trip to Doncaster to longer, wouldn’t be out of the question.

He sighed as he made his way through the house to the small backyard to try and call him anyway.

When he got out there he found Waliyah sitting in one of the lawn chairs around a small table, earbuds in her ears. He thought about turning around and going back inside to find somewhere else to make the phone call.

He didn’t want to disturb her, especially not when he seemed to be her least favourite person at the moment.

But that would be too easy, and Liam was a sucker for punishment lately. He couldn’t just ignore animosity between them, especially not when he used to be closest to her out of everyone in Zayn’s family. He couldn’t just let that go.

 So instead of heading back inside undetected, he headed straight for her, pulling up a lawn chair next to hers.

She looked up when he sat down next to her and her features tensed into a cold stare.

“What do you want?” she spat out.

Liam would have flinched if he hadn’t been expecting the hostility. But he had and managed to successfully school his features and remind himself not to take her tone to heart.

“I just wanted to talk?” he said cautiously. He phrased the sentence like a question so that she knew that she had a choice that she didn’t have to talk to him if she preferred not to.

When she neither left nor dismissed him, Liam took it as permission to continue and so he did.

“I know I messed up Wali. I’ve been trying to make it up to Zayn, but I forgot that there are other people that I hurt too.”

Up until that point, Waliyah had been holding Liam’s gaze defiantly, challenging him, but as he’d spoken she’d dropped her gaze, looking everywhere but at Liam.

He recognised that move, it must have been a Malik pride signature, because Zayn did it too.

Zayn could and would look you in the eye through anything, more especially in a conflict situation, to prove he wasn’t afraid and he could take you. But the moment his vulnerability began to surface, he’d avoid catching your eye to try and hide it.

And that’s what Waliyah was doing now. So Liam knew he’d hit a nerve and the magnitude of what he’d done hit him like a punch in the gut all over again.

He’d known before that what he’d done had hurt Zayn, obviously. But he hadn’t really taken to heart the effect it would have had on the rest of the Maliks. Sitting there, watching Waliyah struggle to meet his gaze, and covertly dab at a tear under the pretence of fixing a lash put that into perspective.

Suddenly the whole thing felt fresh and hurt just as much as it had all those months ago.

“I’m sorry Wali,” she met his gaze then, “I’m sorry I let you down, and I’m sorry it took me this long to apologise to you too.”

She seemed to have given up acting tough now because a tear fell down her cheek and she didn’t bother trying to conceal it this time.

She dabbed at her tears with the sleeve of her top, before speaking.

“He’s my bhai, and I – we trusted you to take care of him and you broke his heart. I’d never seen him like that before, not since baba died,” she spoke tearfully.

It was Liam’s turn to avert his gaze in shame.

No matter how long it had been, he still hated to think about what he’d done.

“I’m sorry,” he apologised for what was probably the hundredth time that day. But, he didn’t mind. These apologies were long overdue.

“Just bring him back. Bring back my bhai, because that man that left with Louis, that’s not him.”

Liam nodded, feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders. He wasn’t sure what any of them expected him to do when he couldn’t reach Zayn and was being shut out. He supposed it was only fair for them to expect him to fix it though, it was his mess after all.

“Promise me, Liam.”

She searched for his gaze with hers until he found the courage to hold it.

“I promise,” he swore, “I promise to get him back.”

He didn’t know how, but he’d try whatever he could to pull his crumbling relationship back together and to make Zayn happy again.

She held his gaze a moment longer, and when she was satisfied with whatever she saw in his eyes, maybe the determination or the sincerity, she also nodded.

“I’d also like to make it up to you,” he said a minute later, once the promise had set between them.

“I’m not a child, Liam. You can’t buy my forgiveness.”

“Not even with an expensive graduation gift that you can pick out yourself?” he asked innocently.

He saw her eyes light up, with interest. But she didn’t fall for his manipulation.

“Okay, so what if I added a choc fudge sundae from that ice-cream parlour you love, after dinner.”

Her tough facade fell then.

“You are a master manipulator Liam Payne. Make that a large sundae and I might consider forgiving you.”

“Deal.”

Liam stretched out his hand for her to shake and when she took it he pulled her in for a hug.

At first, she tensed up, a residual reaction of the hurt from before he supposed. But, a second later she relaxed into his arms.

“This moment of affection is going to cost you a pair of designer shoes too,” she joked.

“I can live with that,” he chuckled squeezing her tightly. And he really could, as long as they could get back to being okay with each other.

“We should probably be going in to help your mom,” he said, not getting up though.

Wali stood up first and held her hand out to help him out of the chair and they made their way inside together, arm in arm.

 

***

Zayn still wasn’t home by the time they sat down to dinner. Trisha had pushed the timeout by an entire hour before Safaa had begun complaining about being famished and she had to dish up the food.

The atmosphere had lightened now that Liam had made his peace with the Malik women.

Everyone chatted amicably about random topics, Wali volunteering that she was planning on attending a beauty school in London after graduation, Safaa talking about her latest book and Doni complaining about being assigned clean-up duty since she’d dodged cooking.

Trisha had done her best to appear interested in all their chatter, even asking Liam about _‘little Taylor’_. But as much as she tried, Liam still caught her eyeing the direction of the front door every now and then with a concerned eye.

He only caught her because he was doing the same thing. He hated how he felt like he was imposing, and that he’d chased Zayn out of his own home at a time when he really should have been with his family.

Zayn didn’t make it back for dinner.

And Liam was just starting to wallow in self-pity when Safaa poked her head around the doorway of Zayn’s childhood bedroom.

“Liam-bhai, can we go now?”

Liam had decided that they could make the ice-cream a family treat and had offered an open invitation. Doniya had declined because she had already had plans with friends and Trisha claimed to be tired and wanted to turn in early.

In the end, it was just going to be him and the two youngest Malik sisters.

Liam smiled at the term ‘ _bhai_ ’. Zayn had explained to him when he’d first heard it used that it meant big brother. Safaa said it so openly and sincerely that it made his heart clench in affection.

She still referred to him as her brother and that brought him right out of the mood he was beginning to think himself into.

“Yeah, I’m ready. Is Wali downstairs?” he asked as he got up from his perch on the bed.

Safaa nodded eagerly.

“Okay then, let’s go, darling!” he said as he ruffled the top of her hair.

“Leeyum-bhai...” she groaned, “you know you shouldn’t touch a girl’s hair.”

She quickly smoothed the ruffled locks and bounced out the front door, leaving Liam to exchange looks with Wali as they followed her out.

“She claims she’s a big girl now,” Wali informed him, “apparently she’s too old for kisses, pigtails and hair ruffling.”

How had she changed so much in just a few months? It made Liam feel a little bit of a pang for having missed out on these new developments.

“She’s only 13 and she didn’t mind so much before,” Liam squawked.

“Well,” Wali said, “according to her, she’s 13 now and too old for any displays of affection.”

Liam sighed while Wali chuckled in amusement.

“Is this what I have to look forward to in a few years with Taylor?” he asked exasperatedly.

“M’ afraid so.”

That worried Liam a little bit, he wanted Taylor to stay little forever and he didn’t know how he would deal with it once she reached this stage. However bad it was though, at least he would have Zayn helping him.

 

**

 

When Zayn got home it was well after dinner time and after dark. The house was quiet. He guessed everyone was in bed, or at least their bedrooms.

He went to the kitchen and fixed himself a plate from the leftovers in the fridge, filled it up and sat down to eat.

He was just washing up when he heard the front door open and voices in the entryway.

“Thanks for the ice-cream Liam-bhai,” Safaa’s voice sounded.

“Yeah, it was fun, Li. Thanks,” Waliyah’s voice agreed.

His sisters sounded cheerful, even Wali, who had seemed quite upset with Liam earlier that day. But, by the sound of it, she had gotten over it.

Zayn tried not to feel pathetic about his own predicament. Even his little sister was able to move past her issue with Liam, so why couldn’t he?

Zayn heard his sisters say goodnight to Liam, followed by footsteps on the stairs.

Seconds later Liam was walking into the kitchen, fiddling with his car keys.

He stopped in the doorway when he saw Zayn.

“Oh, hi. I wasn’t sure you’d be back tonight,” he said uncertainly.

“Told you I was just dropping him off,” he replied, not bothering to turn around from the sink.

“Took a few hours did it?” Liam’s tone was suddenly annoyed.

Zayn didn’t answer him. He didn’t want to fight with Liam about it. He had too many things bouncing around in his head and he was afraid that if Liam pushed, he might say something both of them would regret.

So, he just set his now clean plate on the drying rack next to the sink and started to leave when Liam spoke again.

“I just came in for some water,” Liam said. His tone was softer now, almost apologetic. “But, since you’re here maybe we could talk about whatever is going on?”

Zayn sighed.

“Liam, this weekend is hard enough. Don’t make it any harder.”

With that he left the room, leaving Liam more confused and hurt than before. He just couldn’t figure what had happened or what he had done to have Zayn suddenly resent him so much that he could barely be in the same room with him for more than a few seconds.

Liam got his glass of water, deciding to give Zayn a little space before he tried to follow him upstairs.

He also needed the time to convince himself that he had it in him to fight for their relationship, even against the man he loved. Ridiculous as it sounded, he was already getting worn down by the cold-shoulder Zayn was giving him. Part of him feared that he might let Wali down a second time and it made him sad to think it.

Ten minutes later he made his way upstairs to Zayn’s room. He found the main light off but the bedside lamp casting a dim glow on Zayn’s figure already curled up on his side of the bed.

There was an old Marvel t-shirt and some pyjama bottoms laying on Liam’s side. Zayn had laid them out when he was getting ready for bed. It was a small gesture, but Liam took it as a sign that all hope wasn’t yet lost.

He got changed into the pyjamas and climbed into bed, turning off the lamp as he laid down next to Zayn.

He wasn’t asleep yet, his breathing hadn’t evened out. But he was pointedly avoiding any contact with Liam.

It was when Liam tried to pull him closer into a spooning position, their usual sleeping position and Zayn pulled away that Liam couldn’t hold his tongue any longer.

“Am I missing something here, Z? Have I done summat?” Liam asked.

Zayn still had his back to Liam and it had been quiet for a while between them as Liam lay there counting Zayn’s breaths and trying to synchronise his own with them.

“No,” Zayn said, “you’re perfect, Liam. I’m the one with the problem, aren’t I?”

His voice was thick with passive-aggressive sarcasm.

“Tell me –”

“I’m tired, Liam. Let me sleep,” Zayn said, effectively shutting Liam down.

Liam wanted to scream into his pillow in frustration, but he was reminded of what Doni had said earlier when they were in the car. However, he felt, Zayn must have felt worse. It was probably the stress of whatever was bothering him that was speaking, not _his_ Zayn.

So he took a few deliberate breaths and told himself he wouldn’t stop trying to get Zayn to open up to him so they could move past this thing that seemed to be draining the love out of their relationship.

**

They didn’t talk the next morning either. Liam was up early because he had to pick Taylor up from his Mum’s.

Seeing as they hadn’t driven up to Bradford together, Zayn didn’t see a need for them to leave together either, and he had to get Louis before driving back to London so Liam left first, Zayn to follow later in the day.

Liam didn’t mind the decision either though. He needed time to himself and the four-hour drive would give him enough time to work through the mess in his head.

**

It was a Saturday and Taylor’s 6th birthday.

He and Zayn were on their way over to Sophia’s for the party.

She had begged Liam to let her organise the party for their daughter and Liam could tell that it was one of her more sincere attempts at winning over their daughter’s affection.

So they had organised between them to let Taylor spend the weekend with her and Max and he and Zayn were invited to the party.

They had been told by a stern almost-6-year-old the previous night on the phone that they were to show up in no less than superhero costumes otherwise they wouldn’t be allowed into her superhero party.

Luckily for them, Sophia had already informed them that it would be a themed fancy dress party so they’d had time to organise their costumes beforehand.

Liam was clad in his Batman costume from two Halloweens ago, sans cowl because he was driving, and Zayn had managed to find a really good Robin costume on their shopping trip while Taylor was at school earlier in the week.

They still hadn’t talked about the previous weekend in Bradford, but it looked like they wouldn’t need to because when Zayn had come home to Liam and Taylor later that Sunday, he seemed to be okay, in a good mood even.

They had gone about preparing dinner together as a family, a tradition Zayn and Taylor had started quite early on in their “best friendship” (Liam had only just been admitted into that club).

Then Zayn had prepared some treats and they’d spent the night cuddled up in a three-body heap on the couch watching _Tangled_. For the first time since he’d gotten back, Liam had felt hopeful for his relationship.

As he drove, Liam kept eyeing his boyfriend in his tight spandex costume.

Of course, it wasn’t anything indecent. They were going to a children’s party after all. But it still gave Liam a semi looking at him in it because he actually knew what was under it and boy did he want to rip it right off of him.

He’d said as much to him which elicited a response of, “Behave Li! We’re going to a kids party!” that was quickly followed by a pink-cheeked giggle.

They hadn’t made love since his return and they’d barely kissed. But Liam blamed that on how busy they were.

Zayn was splitting his time between work, his best man duties and Taylor. There was hardly any time for the two of them even after they’d put Taylor to bed because Zayn had had papers to grade, some huge paper he’d set for his students that he now had to mark. He’d even begged off of dinner most of the week to do the grading.

Liam himself was in studio and meetings and fittings most days too so he’d been tired most nights as well.

But he was planning on rekindling the romance this weekend since Taylor would be with Sophia for the night.

He had a surprise planned for his boyfriend. He had dragged Harry out to the shops one of the days to help him find the perfect gift for the occasion and he couldn’t wait to see the look on Zayn’s face when he gave it to him.

When they arrived at Sophia and Max’s, the house was still quiet. They had come early to help with the set up if the need arose.

Max had gotten the door in his ironman suit and he, Liam and Zayn had exchanged very stiff greetings.

Neither one of them liked him very much. He had this arrogant air about him and he clearly thought he was better than them.

He embodied everything Zayn resented about celebrities and he was also a tactless homophobe who thought gay stereotypes made for funny jokes.

Mostly they didn’t have to put up with him as Sophia usually picked Taylor up. But today they had to be in his presence for the morning through the afternoon and neither of them was looking forward to it, but they’d each promised to hold their tongues and be polite, for the sake of Taylor.

“So where are Taylor and Soph?” Liam asked as they awkwardly followed him through the mansion towards the backyard where a bouncy castle was set up, along with various other games and a long table with lots of little chairs and a big cake settled atop, surrounded by various goodies.

His ex had obviously spared no expense for this party. He felt a pang of jealousy, suddenly worried that he hadn’t been the one to do this for his daughter even though he also had the means.

“Upstairs, trying to get the birthday girl ready. She’s been a right mood all morning.”

Liam was about to ask what had happened when Sophia poked her head around the glass doors dressed as wonder woman.

“Oh good, you’re here. I can’t get her to put on her costume. She’s been sulking all morning. A little help?”

Liam was just turning to go see to Taylor when Zayn tugged on his hand.

“I’ll go,” Zayn said to him. Liam nodded and Zayn started towards where Sophia was.

“Leems, could you help Max bring out a table to put the presents on please?” she called behind her as she and Zayn headed towards the stairs.

**

Upstairs Zayn was led to a bright pink room, with pink everything, including pink curtains and was left to see to the little girl.

Zayn almost scoffed at the state of the room. Sure, Taylor liked Barbies and ponies, but she was more of her father’s girl and had a preference for superheroes.

Clearly, Sophia hadn’t known that while decorating this room, or maybe she’d just wanted to live out some mini-me girly-girl dream through her daughter.

“Tazzy, princess,” he cooed as he got to his knees next to the little pink bed where the little girl was lying face down.

“Baba?” she said, looking up from her pillow.

Her light brown eyes were filled with relief when she saw Zayn’s smiling face.

“Hey, what going on beti?” he asked her.

“I don’t want to have the party anymore,” she pouted.

“Why not? Is something the matter?” Zayn asked, taking the little girl’s face in his hands.

“Yesterday Dotty pulled my hair and was really mean. She said she’s not coming to my party but she’s supposed to be my friend,” the little girl cried.

Zayn pulled her little body in for a hug. His heart clenched at seeing her so sad, especially on a day that should have been special for her.

“Hey,” he cooed, “It’s all right, love.”

He patted her back lightly, hoping to comfort her and it seemed to be working because she calmed.

He pulled away a little to look at her face when he was sure she’d stopped crying, “Taylor, listen to me carefully okay? Friends aren’t supposed to be mean and make you sad. People who do that are bad friends and we shouldn’t play with them. Do you understand, Princess?”

She nodded.

“Good. So how about we get you dressed up and go downstairs to daddy, hey? We’ll have fun with all your other friends that are coming, okay?” he said, wiping at the last of her tears.

She nodded again and smiled a little.

“Me and you and daddy can play on the bouncy castle?” she asked hopefully.

“anything the birthday girl wants.” He nodded in return. Relieved to see her smiling again.

He helped her change into her _Supergirl_ costume and they headed downstairs.

**

The day went well.

As soon as her friends from school had started arriving, Taylor perked right up, the tears long forgotten.

Liam had pulled Zayn aside and asked him what had happened, Zayn had waved him off with an “Oh, just the first of many friendship breakups.”

Liam’s brow had creased with concern but Zayn put a comforting hand on his arm promising him it was all right and then handed him his Batman cowl.

“Come on, let’s go join the party.”

Taylor had made Zayn come through on his promise to get him and Liam on the bouncy castle. The three of them had stumbled and tumbled all over the contraption, holding hands tightly and laughing loudly.

It was a great day and about to get better, or so Liam hoped.

They were home now. Taylor was spending the night at Sophia’s, so it was just the two of them.

They had ordered in some pizza for dinner and had sat at the kitchen island, eating and laughing about the events of the day and the shenanigans of 5 to 6-year-olds.

It felt good, and comfortable between them. It was the best it had been in a while and Liam felt euphoric with the relief of things finally taking a turn for the better for them.

They were lying on the couch, watching the Dark Knight when Liam knew that he was ready. It couldn’t and wouldn’t get any better than that moment and he was going to take the opportunity.

He got up abruptly, causing Zayn to eye him strangely.

“You all right?” he asked.

“Uh, yeah. Just a bathroom break,” he said as he backed out of the room, “be back in a sec.”

Zayn watched curiously as Liam raced up the stairs and then looked back to the screen in front of him, ignoring his boyfriend’s strange behaviour.

Liam headed straight to the bathroom and to the back of the drawer where they kept clean towels. He lifted the towels and found the small black velvet box hidden there.

He pulled it out and opened it, staring at the shiny, platinum ring inside it.

His heart picked up pace as he closed the box and made his way back downstairs to Zayn.

He was nervous, but only because anyone would be. It was a big decision to decide to marry someone, but he wanted Zayn for the rest of his life. He wanted the stability and assurance that came with marriage and he was ready for it.

When he came back down, he stood in front of the television screen, causing Zayn to look up at him?

“Everything okay?” he asked, “You’re acting really strange right now.”

Liam just nodded. His hands behind his back, hiding the ring he’d just retrieved.

“Watcha got there, Li?”

Zayn had this teasing smirk on his face.

Liam brought the box around and held it out in front of him, open so Zayn could see the shiny band inside it.

The teasing smile slowly fell from Zayn’s face as he realised what Liam was holding out in front of him.

“Zed, Zee, Zaynie. I love you,” he started nervously. “You’ve been my whole world, along with Taylor. And I know I messed up in the past but we’re good now, and I want us to stay like this forever.”

Zayn tried to focus on what Liam was saying but his head was spinning a bit.

He caught words like “messed up” and “forever” and suddenly his stomach was lurching and cramping.

Maybe it was the fact that he hadn’t really eaten anything in days, or maybe it was the fact that what Liam was doing didn’t make sense. It couldn’t be a proposal, because they were far from being in a good place, or was Zayn the only one who felt it, saw it?

“Will you marry me, Zayn?” Liam asked.

He had a nervous look in his eyes like he could also tell that something about this just didn’t feel right.

Zayn just sat there staring at the platinum ring nestled in dark velvet. The more he stared the tighter his chest became. He could feel the walls of the house closing in on him, trying to trap him there.

He tried to breathe but this sudden bout of dèjà vu hit him like a freight train. He remembered this feeling, this breathlessness like the wind had been knocked out of him.

It felt a lot like the night his heart had been broken into a million pieces by this very man who now stood, arm outstretched with a ring in his hand looking at Zayn hopefully.

Except, it wasn’t meant to feel like that. He was meant to feel the opposite of trapped, anxious and heartbroken. This should have been one of the happiest moments of his life and yet he felt like his lungs were failing and his heart was collapsing in on itself.

Liam wasn’t the one breaking his heart this time. It was him. He was breaking his own heart.

He had this realization at the same time that he noticed he was no longer in the living room, instead his feet seemed to be carrying him at a hurried pace towards the master bedroom with the faint sound of Liam coming after him.

_Got to get out. Go. Now. Go. Now. Out._

That was the constant chant in his head as he pulled his suitcase out of the closet and began throwing various items of his clothing into it.

Liam finally caught up to him, only to find him hurriedly packing his stuff.

His heart felt like it had shrunk to nothing within a matter of seconds as he asked in a broken whisper, “Zayn? What are you doing?”

Zayn didn’t stop his movements, just kept packing his stuff.

“Zayn!” Liam said, louder and more commanding. His boyfriend finally stopped and looked up at him, a sheen of tears in his eyes.

“I just asked you to marry me and you’re packing? Leaving?” he said. The hurt cracked in his voice, a small glimpse of the raw emotion he was trying to control.

“I can’t do this, Liam,” Zayn said solemnly.

“What do you mean? What are you talking about?”

The words from Liam were not a question though, they felt a little like a plea. They sounded like he was begging Zayn not to do it. He was begging him not to pull their monsters out of the closet.

“You know what I mean, Li.”

It was quiet for a moment while Liam tried to adjust his breathing so it didn’t feel like he was drowning every time he took in a breath.

Zayn wiped at his eyes tiredly and sighed. It was a painful kind of sigh, that breath you push out when you realise that there is nothing more to do. Nothing more to try, nothing more to fight for without becoming a casualty of the war.

“That’s why you did this. It’s why you asked. You can feel it too, can’t you?” he asked sadly.

“No!” Liam said instantly as though he could stop the inevitable with that simple denial.

“All I can feel is how much I love you.”

Zayn shook his head slowly.

“A ring won’t fix us, Li. It won’t make me forget and it won’t make you sleep easier at night. We can’t paint over the cracks of our relationship and hope the shattered pieces will stick. That’s no way to live, no matter how much love there is between two people.”

For a long time, the only sound that could be heard in the room was the deafening silence. And something else…breaking hearts.

“I just wanted you to stay,” Liam said after a while of silence. He sounded so defeated, like a man who had just lost all he had to a gamble against fate.

“I could feel you, couldn’t I? I could feel you drifting further and further away and I couldn’t have it. I couldn’t lose you again but you never came back, did you? I never got you back, no matter how hard I tried.”

“Liam I tried to –”

“Except you didn’t, Zayn. You didn’t try!” Liam’s voice was hard with something Zayn refused to acknowledge.

“ _I_ did though. I _tried_. I did everything you asked me to, laid myself at your feet trying to make you see I was sorry and all this time you weren’t even trying to get past _this_.”

He sounded so broken and so resigned that guilt began to creep through Zayn’s veins making him defensive.

“That’s not fair. I did try! I’m here, aren’t I? I came back even though-” Zayn began but didn’t get to finish before Liam was walking back towards him, gently tilting Zayn’s downcast gaze to meet his own sorrowful one.

He stared into his eyes for a long moment, his gaze searching Zayn’s. When he finally spoke up, it was as if he had come up empty-handed, like he hadn’t found what he was looking for there in Zayn’s eyes.

“You’re here physically but I’m not sure your heart ever came back.”

Zayn wanted to argue that point. He wanted to say that of course he’d been trying and yeah he’d put his whole heart into it but he stopped short.

He couldn’t deny it, not honestly. Not when his heart was squeezing painfully at the thought of staying when he was already feeling like he needed to get out…of what exactly, he didn’t want to think about it yet.

He stole a guilty glance at his packed suitcase. The papers hidden underneath his haphazardly thrown-in clothes felt like they were giving off a heat signature, announcing his guilt of the accusation thrown at him.

The papers were a signed and initialled lease contract. He’d been searching for a place when he’d thought he and Liam were over but his offer on the apartment had only been accepted around a month after he had moved back in with Liam.

He’d signed the lease anyway and had been paying rent on it since. He had told himself he was doing it for Wali, who would be moving to London to start university soon, but even he knew that that had been a feeble excuse. He thought that on some level, maybe Liam was right. Maybe Zayn had had one foot outside the door since they’d gotten back together.

“Li, I-“ he started, but soon realised that he actually had nothing to say. He had no words to undo whatever this _thing_ that was breaking them apart was.

So he stuck with how he felt.

“I’m sorry, Li. I really am. I thought I could do this but I just can’t.”

He took a step back, away from Liam, whose arm fell to his side helplessly limp.

After a moment, when it seemed that there was no more to be said Zayn turned toward his bag, picked it up and began to leave.

“What about Taylor?” Liam spoke up, just as Zayn reached the doorway. “You promised you wouldn’t leave her again.”

Liam knew it was a low blow. He knew that bringing Taylor up was unfair and he probably should have felt more guilty about it, but he couldn’t, not at that moment when those were the words that caused Zayn to stop and not leave.

There was an audible gasp that sounded a bit like Zayn was trying to choke down his grief. That hurt, to know that his words had brought that painful sound out of Zayn and had hurt him. But he still wasn’t walking out. He still wasn’t leaving Liam alone in _their_ home on what was supposed to be the best night of their lives. So maybe it hurt a little and maybe it was unfair, but if it kept Zayn there with him, then he’d get over it.

Zayn turned to Liam with a slight shake of his head. His eyes were hazy with tears he refused to shed. He knew that Liam knew what the reminder of the promise he had made to Taylor would do to him.

She was like his own daughter, and to let her down hurt him more than anything ever could again. Liam knew that and he was trying to use it to make him stay. He was trying to guilt him into staying.

For a second, Zayn almost did too. Almost. But the situation wasn’t really good for any of them. Liam and Zayn’s relationship wasn’t healthy anymore and that wouldn’t be a good example for a little girl to grow up around. They all needed a break. Even Taylor.

“I’ll come by tomorrow. I’ll explain to her myself,” he said before continuing out the door.

The last thing he heard was a faint, “ _Zayn, please…”_ as he took the stairs two at a time to _get out_ before he lost his nerve…again.

**

Liam knocked loudly on Louis and Harry’s door, determined to speak to Zayn.

He hadn’t slept a wink the previous night. In his head, he was trying to piece together exactly how it had come to this when he was sure they were working through their problems but he had come up with no answers, only more questions instead. Questions he needed Zayn to answer.

Finally, after knocking relentlessly for almost five minutes someone came to the door.

“Bloody hell! Do you have any idea what the time is?” came Louis’ raspy voice as he rubbed a hand over his eyes.

“Is he here?” Liam asked without preamble.

“Harry’s still asleep,” Louis answered.

“Not Harry. Zayn!” Liam snapped, losing what little patience he had left. “I need to talk to him.”

That seemed to wake Louis up.

“Why the hell would Zayn be here at arse o’clock in the morning?” Louis asked, his voice teetering between concerned and annoyed. “What have you done now, Payne?”

His eyes hardened and his jaw clenched but Liam wasn’t intimidated. He was too heartbroken and too angry to be intimidated.

“Me? This is all your doing isn’t it?” he said, stepping right up in Louis’ face. “Ever since you came back into his life, Zayn’s been shutting me out. What have you said to him? Did you tell him to leave me, huh?” Liam asked pushing Louis, who stumbled a little, taken by surprise.

“Watch it, Liam,” he said, his voice impressively controlled but his anger simmering just beneath the surface.

“You just couldn’t stand that he was happy without you, could you? You had to have him to yourself!” he pushed Louis again, this time getting a rise out of him.

“He’s not here mate, but if Zayn’s left you then I say bloody good on him! Lad’s finally got some sense,” he snapped back. “You never did deserve him and it’s about time he saw that.”

Blind rage overtook Liam and he was pulling a fist back, ready to connect it with Louis’ face when Harry’s urgent voice broke through the red.

“Li! Stop!” in a second Harry was between them pushing Liam back and away from Louis. “What’s going on?”

“He’s been in Zayn’s ear!” Liam shouted, but he didn’t try to move towards Louis because Harry was between them. “Now, now he’s left me!”

“He’s what?” Harry asked, “When? Why? I thought you two were going to get married?”

“He talked him out of it, didn’t he,” Liam stated matter of factly like he knew it.

Harry turned to Louis.

“What? I don’t know where he is,” Louis snapped, glaring past Harry to Liam.

“Are you sure?” Harry asked sceptically.

“Yeah, I’m sure Harry.” Louis sighed, “Look I’ll try calling him, wait here.”

He disappeared up the stairs while Harry put an arm around Liam and led him towards the kitchen.

“What happened?” Harry asked as he placed a brew in front of Liam.

Liam ran a tired hand through his tousled hair and sighed.

“I think it might really be over this time,” he said, thinking back to the previous night and all that was and wasn’t said.

He’d accused Zayn of never wholeheartedly coming back to him and his boyfriend hadn’t denied it. Liam had professed his love for Zayn and Zayn hadn’t once said the words back. Usually, Liam would try to be optimistic, but this time he had to admit it looked really bleak.

“ I proposed and do you know what he did, Harry? He packed his things and left. Hardly a word of explanation.”

Harry rounded the table to where his best friend sat and rubbed a comforting hand over his back.

“I’m sure he just needs space. He’ll come around, Li. Zayn loves you and-“

Liam cut Harry off with a scornful snort.

“He doesn’t. If he did, I wouldn’t be here right now.”

Harry looked like he wanted to say more, to correct Liam, but Louis came into the room, cell phone in hand and worry marring his features.

“I’ve tried him a few times, but he’s not picking up. Doniya hasn’t heard from him either. The bastard didn’t even go to Bradford. What the fuck did you do, Liam? He wouldn’t just disappear like this unless you fucked up, _again!”_

Louis was glaring at Liam when Liam’s phone began to vibrate in his jacket pocket. He pulled it out and checked the contact.

It was a text from Zayn, just an address. No explanation given, just a street, a building name and an apartment number.

Liam got up immediately and headed for the door not bothering to fill Louis and Harry in.

“Was that him?”  Louis asked as he and Harry followed him to the door.

“Li?”

“I have to go,” was all he said as he raced out the door.

 

**

He’d punched the address into his SatNav and it had brought him to an apartment building in the same neighbourhood as the school Zayn taught at.

He read the message again to get the apartment number before he got out of the car and made his way up.

**

Zayn was pacing nervously in the lounge area of _his_ apartment. He hadn’t slept all night. All he could think about was Liam and Taylor and whether or not he was making the right decision.

He loved Liam. There wasn’t a shadow of doubt about that. What he had doubts about was their future. He didn’t trust that Liam felt the same as him. It was difficult to after the cheating scandal. He had honestly tried to get over it, but it had brought every fear and insecurity he had to the forefront and every day he was haunted by them.

It was no way to live. Liam couldn’t live the rest of his life apologising for that one night, but Zayn also deserved to heal from it as slowly as he needed to. That knowledge was what was driving him crazy over the past couple of weeks.

So when Liam had pulled out that ring, Zayn had panicked because he’d known it wasn’t right. Their relationship as it was, was nothing to build a marriage or a family on. No matter how much they loved each other.

And _he_ did. He really did love Liam, but the thought of having to live the rest of his life always wondering whether he was enough for him or whether Liam was being faithful didn’t sound like a way to be. And so, he’d left.

He’d run like the coward he was. He seemed to be doing a lot of things out of fear lately.

He’d gone back to Liam because he was scared. He didn’t know how to start over and be Zayn all on his own anymore and so he’d returned to where he felt safest, with Liam.

Except, he wasn’t safe there because his thoughts ravaged him to the point where he didn’t know how to tell the difference between what was real and wasn’t.

There would be nights where he would hug Liam and he could swear he could smell the scent of someone else. And while he knew Liam wasn’t cheating, his head would tell him otherwise and he’d wind up confused not knowing if he’d really smelt the perfume or had just imagined it.

Of course, it was all in his head. But when the episodes took him, he really couldn’t stop himself from sometimes saying really hurtful things to Liam. Things he would then beat himself up over when he finally came back to his senses.

He was still pacing when the knock came.

He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself.

Although he hadn’t slept, he felt clear-minded and ready to face Liam.

He strode to the door quickly, needing to get the conversation over and done with before he did _another_ thing out of fear.

When he pulled the door open, he was met with Liam’s tired and sad eyes. They were the first thing he noticed because they were the thing he loved most about him. He’d learnt earlier on that all of Liam’s feelings could be seen through those dark, sherry-coloured eyes. Soulful as they were, they never hid how he was feeling.

He looked pale, and exhausted, much like Zayn felt and he almost wanted to pull him into a tight embrace to comfort him but, if he did that they’d fall into another cycle of trying to make it work, only to have it fall apart again because of Zayn’s insecurities.

So he steeled himself against his body’s urge to be held by Liam’s and instead stood back, allowing room for Liam to enter the apartment.

“Whose place is this?” Liam asked, once the silence had reigned too long and he knew no other way to settle his unease about their unfamiliar surroundings.

“Mine.”

Oh. He hadn’t been expecting that. He expected Zayn to say it was a friend’s and he’d already been jealous of that friend because he or she was closer to Zayn than he had been these last few weeks.

Instead, though he was feeling a little winded.

“You’ve been planning this then? Was this some sick revenge plot? You were going to make me believe you wanted us to work only to dump me and move out?” he felt the anger flare up in him.

Zayn would have had to have been a good actor though, a damn Oscar-winning one to pull off that performance. What they had been through the past half year could not be faked.

He remembered holding Zayn that first day he’d come back and how the pain seemed to vibrate through him as he’d cried in his arms.

No one in their right mind would return to that much pain just for revenge.

But, with no sleep and the events that had unfolded, he had only a tentative grasp on his emotions and reality and it all just ran away with his mind.

“I wouldn’t.... I’m not... I wouldn’t hurt you purposefully. Not like y-” Zayn stopped himself before he could finish that sentence and do exactly what he was claiming he wouldn’t do.

“Look, I thought I was keeping it for a Wali, okay? I didn’t plan on things happening...like this. At least not consciously.”

And he really hadn’t. He’d thought long and hard about it after Liam accused him of not trying to make their relationship work. He’d played back the months in his head like a movie reel and realised that yeah, he had tried. While the apartment had always been in the back of his mind as an escape plan, a place to go when things inevitably went wrong with Liam, he did try with all that he had to make it work.

“Look Zayn, I’m not going to force you to stay if you want to leave me. I tried that already and it didn’t work. So if you want to break up with me then I _can’t_ fight you. But this time I’m not the one to blame for things falling apart. I won’t carry that guilt, you need to free me and tell me the real reason why you’re walking out on me.”

Zayn turned away from Liam. He brought a hand to his tired eyes and rubbed at them.

“I don’t want to leave you, Liam.” He sighed out tiredly.

He was just so thoroughly worn out by everything. This was a back and forth he’d been having with himself for months now and he was tired of it. Tired of his own insecurity and uncertainty. _He_ was done with his constant ups and downs in mood and not knowing whether he would wake in Liam’s bed or that very flat on the daily.

He couldn’t imagine how it felt for Liam. And he felt guilty for it, but he really had no control over the places his mind took him on the harder days.

“Then what do you want, Zayn? Tell me what you want and I’ll do it. Whatever it is.”

Liam was pleading with him. His whole heart offered to Zayn on those words. He said them, but he really didn’t know if he could keep that promise. Not because he didn’t want to, but because he didn’t know how to.

He didn’t know what more to do. He’d done everything he had thought to do since their reunion and yet here they were in an unfurnished flat that Zayn had been secretly keeping from him.

“I want you to be sorry,” Zayn finally replied.

The words were thick with emotion as they settled on Liam’s already heavy shoulders, another expectation he was expected to fulfil and had no fucking clue how to.

“I am sorry,” he whispered into the empty air. He was trying to fill the growing void with something honest, something sincere, to keep it from widening the distance between him and his could-have-been fiancé and he wanted it to work.

He wanted the words to register somewhere in Zayn’s head and quiet those voices he knew were there, making him doubt Liam and their love.

He wanted Zayn to really hear the words and understand this time that he really regretted what he’d done so that he could stop this, stop hurting them and their family over something they both so clearly wanted to move on from.

“I don’t know that. I don’t know that you’re sorry. I want to believe you though Li, I really do.”

“I did everything...” Liam started but trailed off.

He didn’t want to finish the sentence because somewhere between the words he had felt like he was giving up. The “did” hanging in the air between them sounded too past tense to come back from.

“I know,” Zayn replied, looking Liam directly in the eye.

“I know, Li. It’s not your fault this time. It’s mine. I can’t get over it and I won’t put you and Taylor through this emotional rollercoaster anymore. It’s not right and it’s not fair. I love you both too much for that.”

“What are you saying?” Liam asked, but his racing heart told him that he already knew the answer and it was trying to chase the moment back so it would be like it had never happened and he hadn’t just invited Zayn to finally break his heart.

“Zayn, don’t do this.”

“I need to be alone. To figure out who I am and what I want without trying to put you and Taylor ahead of me and my mental health, Li. I’m no good to any of us when I’m like this. I need us to break up.”

After that, Liam vaguely remembered Zayn calling his name, the sound of his voice far away before waking up again in his own bed, Taylor cuddled on his chest and Niall not too far from them on the bed.

But there was no Zayn.

The pounding in his head from crying and the ache in his heart reminded him that it wasn’t a bad dream, Zayn really had broken up with him.

 He pulled Taylor closer to him, needing to feel something other than alone and hurt.

He turned slightly to cuddle into her soft, blonde curls, only to catch a whiff of Zayn’s scent, embedded into the pillow on his side of the bed.

He tried to catch his breath, to stop himself breathing in any more pain, but it was too late. The choked sob left his lips before he could stop it.

“Li?” Niall said, his voice raspy with sleep.

Liam choked back another sob, trying not to wake his daughter who was already starting to stir in her sleep.

He heard Niall shuffle closer, before feeling his warmth all along his back.

His best friend cuddled close to him, sandwiching Liam between him and his daughter.

“Sssh, it’ll be all right mate,” he whispered, hoping to soothe Liam.

“We’ve got you, okay? Taylor, Haz and I have got you.”

Liam only nodded, unable to say anything more in case he broke out into heaving sobs again.

They were all he had now. They had been enough before, before Zayn and the promise of a husband, a life partner, and a family. They would have to be again.

 

**

The next morning Zayn called in sick to work.

He’d promised Liam he’d talk to Taylor and he knew it was a school day but Niall he’d texted Niall who’d told him that Liam had kept her off school for the day.

He knocked on the door when he got there. He still had his keys but it wasn’t his home anymore. He couldn’t just let himself in.

Niall was the one to answer the door and let him know where Liam was before disappearing upstairs.

He’d expected Niall to be more hostile, considering the circumstances. But he’d been perfectly polite, even the previous day when Zayn had called him to pick up a distraught Liam from his apartment.

Zayn found Liam sitting at the breakfast bar in the kitchen, staring listlessly into a mug of coffee.

“Hey,” he said carefully.

Liam looked up at him.

“Niall told me you were coming by,”

“Yeah, I thought I could talk to Taylor like I said.”

“She’s upstairs,” Liam replied curtly, not even looking at Zayn.

Zayn just nodded, a silent “ _Oh,”_ on his lips but still not moving towards the stairs.

“How are doing?” he asked instead. He couldn’t help it, he knew they were over and that he’d made that ultimate decision but he cared about Liam and didn’t want him to hurt.

“How do you expect, Zayn?” Liam snapped his head up to look at Zayn again, a mean scowl on his face but his eyes told Zayn more than that.

“I’m sorry, Li,” he said. It was all he could think of to say to soothe the pain so evident in his eyes.

“For which part?” Liam asked as he shot up from his seat; almost knocking his coffee over.

The words were obviously meant to comfort him but they just angered him instead. He hated them because they didn’t fix anything. There wasn’t a reconciliation waiting at the end of the sentence and so they felt like a pointless platitude said to remind him of what he was losing.

“For breaking my heart or for leaving me to pick up the pieces of what should have been our family? Which part are you apologising for?” he asked, almost spitting the words out.

Zayn just stood there silently not meeting Liam’s gaze anymore.

“Right,” Liam said, pushing the barstool out with a sudden loud screech against the tiled floor. With that he grabbed his coffee and left the room, leaving Zayn feeling a little stuck as he tried to blink back the tears.

He needed to get himself together because he knew it was only going to be harder when he was talking to Taylor.

He took a few minutes to just breathe before turning and taking the stairs two at a time to find the little girl.

Upstairs, he ran into Niall as he was about to enter Taylor’s room. He was in a pair of too-big swim trunks Zayn recognised as Liam’s  that he’d secured tightly with the drawstring.

“I was just about to take her out for a swim,” he said pointing to the closed door of Taylor’s room, “to, you know, distract her from everything for a bit.”

Zayn nodded, “Good idea. Can you give us a moment first though? I just want to have a little chat with her before you take her out.”

“Yeah,” Niall replied, “I’ll just be down the hall then.”

Zayn watched Niall retreat down the hall before tapping lightly on Taylor’s door and then pushing it open.

When he entered and the little girl saw him she came barrelling into him. Zayn didn’t even get the chance to kneel before she was hugging his legs tightly.

She was clad in a bright pink and frilly bathing suit that Zayn didn’t recognise. He figured it was probably one of her gifts from Sophia, which made him want to roll his eyes a bit.

“Baba! Daddy was crying. He said you won’t live with us anymore,” she mumbled into his knees.

Zayn took a deep breath, trying to push the lump in his throat down.

“Actually princess, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

He untangled her arms from around his legs gently and moved her towards her bed. He sat her down then kneeled in front of her so that they were eye to eye.

“Daddy was telling a porky pie, right Zaynie?”

Zayn shook his head slowly.

“No, he wasn’t sweetheart. Daddy was telling the truth.”

He watched as her little face fell and she looked like she was about to cry.

“Why?” she asked in small tearful voice.

She was looking at Zayn with these little eyes that were so innocent and so sad that it made him feel like the worst villain.

“You see, Tazzy, baba’s been a little sad. And it’s been making daddy sad too. That’s not good, you see because we don’t want to make you feel sad too. I would be a bad baba if I let that happen,” he started, trying to figure out the simplest way to explain something that even he was still trying to understand.

She considered him for a moment, trying to process what Zayn was saying.

“You’re going because you don’t wanna make daddy and me sad? Because you don’t wanna mean. Like how you said about Dot?”

She asked. And for the thousandth time since he’d known her, Zayn was fascinated by just how smart Taylor was. She seemed to understand things and feelings that were far beyond her tender age. He supposed it was a side effect of growing up with a single dad, going through what Liam did after Sophia. It both made him proud and sad.

It made him sad because he knew he was another parental figure that was abandoning her and it broke his heart to think that he could be adding to an already tough experience for her.

“Yeah, just like that,” he whispered, looking down at the ground for a second to compose himself. 

“But you’re not a bad baba. You make me and daddy happy. Sometimes you make me eat my veggies and I don’t like it but I love you, Zaynie. You’re not bad like Dot. You don’t have to stay somewhere else. ”

“But if I stay Taz, I’m just going to make you and daddy sad. I don’t want that. I want you to always be happy,”

“Will you still love me even if you stay somewhere else?” she asked in the tiniest voice. Her eyes were brimming with tears and breaking what was left of Zayn’s heart.

That was Zayn’s biggest problem, his worst fear and regret about all this. Of course, he would still love Taylor. She’d taken his heart the first time they’d played Batman and Barbie on the ratty couch in the apartment he’d shared with Louis and he’d never gotten it back.

He didn’t want it back. He wanted to be the stepdad that little girl deserved, but he and Liam were too messed up to make that work right now. He felt like a failure in the worst way, but walking away now seemed better than staying in an unhealthy situation.

“Of course, babe. You’ll always be right here,” he said, pointing to his heart. “You’re my best girl, Tazzy. Always.”

Taylor sniffled a bit, her eyes red. Zayn wasn’t sure that any of this talking would help or if any of what was said made sense to the little girl but he tried. Tried so that maybe one day when she was older, if she remembered this or him at all, she would know that it wasn’t her fault that Liam and Zayn couldn’t get it together.

He held his arms open, not wanting to force a hug on the little girl, in case she didn’t want one. But the way she threw herself into his arms and snuggled into his shoulder told him that he shouldn’t have hesitated.

“I love you, Zaynie. My baba.”

Zayn had thought he knew all the ways his heart could break by now, but boy was he wrong.

The feeling in his chest when she whispered those words felt like a thousand, hot iron blades piercing his heart. He was almost sure if it weren’t for the tight grip her little arms had around his neck, he would have crumpled to the floor in agony.

“I love you more, Taylor. I really do.”

He managed to get the words out even though it felt like he was choking on them.

Either Niall was listening in on them, or he had a sixth sense for great timing because he poked his head into the room then.

“Hey, Pint-size, you ready to go swimmin’ with uncle Nialler?”

Niall was usually all loud laughter and cussing, but the tenderness with which he approached his interactions with Taylor always had Zayn thinking he’d make a wonderful dad one day.

The thought that she’d have not only Liam but Niall, Harry and the rest of Liam’s family to help raise her eased his apprehension and heartache, if only just a little bit.

She pulled away from him a little bit and with both hands on either side of his face, she planted a delicate little butterfly kiss on his head.

“See you, Baba,” she said hopefully. She didn’t say goodbye but “see you” like she hoped they would come back together again.

Zayn didn’t know if they would or not, but he’d broken her little heart enough for one day. So he responded in kind.

“See you, princess.”

**

Liam was downstairs, just pacing in the foyer when Zayn came back down.

He stopped when Zayn appeared.

“She’s going to be heartbroken,” he said.

His eyes seemed harder, colder than the day before when they’d reflected a shattered heart.

“I know,” Zayn replied.

“ _I’m_ heartbroken.”

“I know, Li. Me too.”

“Then don’t leave, Zayn. Please.”

Zayn shook his head and manoeuvred around, Liam to get to the door. He couldn’t fall into that conversation again because he was weak. Always was when it came to Liam. If he stayed to listen then everything he’d resolved would crumble.

He was almost out the door when he felt he had one more thing to say. One thing that had been weighing on him for a while.

“Liam?”

Liam had had his back to the door. He couldn’t watch Zayn leave him, again, but he turned when he heard his name called in the smallest voice.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be better…or enough.”

He had this winded feeling again like the words had punched him in the gut.

He hated that Zayn thought like that, hated even more that those thoughts were the direct result of what he’d done.

“You know you were enough, more than,” Liam replied.

He wanted to say more but Zayn was lingering in the doorway, a foot outside and it reminded Liam of their last several months together and it seemed like an analogy, a reminder that this time hadn’t been real even though he had wanted with all his heart for it to be.

“I don’t know that and that’s the problem, Li. But that’s what I’m going to try figure out now.”

Liam didn’t say anything in response to that. He didn’t know what else to say to reassure Zayn, other than what he’d already been saying over and over for months.

Zayn nodded at Liam’s silence. He could tell he still didn’t understand why he needed to be on his own to figure himself out. Still, he hoped that someday, with time and some retrospect he’d get it.

“Just so you know, if my heart wasn’t in it this time then why does it hurt so fucking much?”

With that said, Zayn turned around and walked away, trying not to feel like his whole world was caving in on him.

**Author's Note:**

> I think I broke my own heart writing this. So if anyone else feels bereft after reading this and wants to kill me, don’t worry, I’m already paying for it with a broken heart.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed this. Please leave comments and kudos, as usual.  
> I love and need to hear your opinions and rants so please leave them for me to read. 
> 
> Thanks again.


End file.
